History has proven over and over again that many women don’t get along swimmingly with their mothers-in-law. It might be moreso with women who marry an only child who is the prodigal son. I can only surmise that it stems from time and affection once being bestowed on the mother being transferred to the life partner and that must cause extreme angst on the part of the now lonely mother.
I have been boggled over and again how a woman can go from being the nurturing mother of children, to the overbearing, hideous beast known as the Mother-In-Law. It’s even more peculiar how that woman who has hated her own mother-in-law since the day she set eyes on her nigh on 40 years ago, and forced her own husband to sever all but the most basic ties to his family, could then turn around and become such an unbearable mother-in-law herself.
But then again, if one’s personality has always been an unbearable, controlling narcissist, I suppose the family surrounding her has just become accustomed to her behavior and the new partner/wife just stumbles into the snake’s nest of the family dichotomy.
Or maybe that’s just how it happened in my case.
My mother-in-law had earned herself the nickname of *Miss Abrasive* by her friends and family, two decades before I even met her son. Nevertheless, I have spent the past 14+ years being blamed for the ongoing conflict between she and I. I have been accused of being “hateful”, “relishing being pissed off” at my MIL and a multitude of other adjectives that I refuse to claim.
My MIL has no good friends. Her “best friends” live a state away and see her 3 times a year. Even they haven’t spoken to her in 10 months. She has a way of driving people away with her I Am Always Right demeanor.
And yet, I am forever at the defense for being “unable to get along”. I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy trying to rewire my brain to stop being so “hateful” toward her. Countless dollars and countless hours later, I am confident that I am not the culprit, and yet am no better off, since I still am unable to get along with her.
I am a relatively easy-going person. I can have a disagreement that involves honest and open discussion and my relationships move forward. All relationships need communications for growth.
I didn’t start out not liking my MIL. The controlling, overbearing, intrusive behavior was clear before I was engaged to her son, but the second the engagement ring was firmly planted on my hand (which I later learned she had chosen!), she became unbearable. She immediately felt entitled to control my life. Her sense of entitlement is suffocating. Telling her ‘no’ is not heard. You can tell her ‘no’ a dozen times, and she’ll still insist you do as she wants. My wedding was eventually cancelled 4 months prior to the event, the deposits returned and an ultimatum given to my future husband: We elope to a far off island, or there is no marriage. His mother was extremely upset when my future husband broke the news to his parents that there would be no Dog and Pony Show at my expense, but she insisted she go with us to elope. I laughed in his face when he told me that. It equated to her wanting to be on our honeymoon. If she had kept her mouth shut and her nose out of my wedding planning (which was to be in summer, and she insisted I wear the gown she wore at her December 21st winter wedding), she would have been at her son’s wedding. She should have learned then that she shouldn’t bully.
My mother-in-law does not allow open discussion of anything that might involve criticism of her or her behavior. Even if you have what you think is an open and honest discussion with her, months (and years!) later I will learn that she had her husband reprimand their son (my husband), who had refused to bring home the reprimand to me because MIL had been upset by the discussion. Over and over.
And yet she is entitled to insult me at every turn. Entitled to interject her opinions and ideals, insist I raise my children with a certain religion–a religion she doesn’t even believe in.
At one point I told my husband to stop telling me that she had called upset and ranting at him, that her upsettedness had nothing to do with me and that if he wanted to continue allowing her to bully him, that was fine, but I wanted no part in it.
My husband is afraid of his mother. There is an actual psychological analysis called Child of Narcissist, that he displays every characteristic of.
Everybody is required to keep her happy at all cost. Any discussion of a transgression against somebody else by her, becomes a crying fit by her, and the discussion turns into how that person has now upset her! The audacity of somebody to stand up to her!
I used to naively believe that she wasn’t smart enough to be manipulative. I was so wrong. I have noted over the years how she acts in the presence of her son versus how she treats me when he isn’t looking. He has never really witnessed her true evilness towards me, and it’s always a fight to get him to believe my side or to believe that she meant anything negative with her words.
I think it’s a nod toward my grace in the fact that after 14 years, I haven’t completely severed ties to this hideous woman. Instead, I sulk for a week or two, can’t sleep for a month, then get over it and move forward with an open heart, allowing her into my life– where she immediately sucker punches me in the gut. Again. And again.
But the time is coming. She is now fucking with my children. She’s not mean to my kids. NO. My kids are her grandchildren. She owns them, you see. She manipulates them with gifts. Big, sparkly, pretty, inappropriate gifts. She has bought my children’s love and manipulates them with things. She now buys my children the things I was going to get them for their birthday or Christmas… but she buys it for them because it’s Tuesday. She’ll do this for a while… but I see the writing on the wall. I see how she’ll use these gifts as a way to control them and control their little emotions.
The time is coming.
I’m gathering my power.
I am the teacher, not the student.
I am proving to be a bigger bitch than this woman has ever seen the likes of.
Watch out *Miss Abrasive*… nobody messes with Mama’s Babies.
Tags: my rage
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