Not On My Own Blog I Don’t

I apologize before hand for the way the following is worded.  Not that well written, just honest and from my gut.  When writing it I had no intention of ever doing anything with it, not to mention ever considered publishing it.   It was just something I felt I HAD to get out and I was so very lonely.  Not to mention I have a horrible memory and get my sequence of events mixed up a bit too easily, so it helped to have it all sorted out as I went along on the whole nightmare trip.

This is just the first installment  and “things” had been going on for a while that I haven’t necessarily gone into in a lot of detail.  Or maybe I did… somewhere in the next months.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And the guilty.

March 2, 2009

I started writing all this down yesterday to keep as a draft in my wordpress thingy and checked for it to be kept “private”.  I have never done that before and didn’t really know how it worked.  Later when I came in and pulled up my public blog and it was on the site.  Here.  Staring me in the face as if it was published.  Scared the crap out of me and I immediately hit “delete post”.  Of course it didn’t help much that Frank was home and the last thing I wanted to do was let him know about it looking like I had posted something like that.  I now realize it said “Private Post” and it was only like that on the computer that was logged into my wordpress.  Still, I was shaking like a leaf.  I shake a lot lately.

It was entitled “The Evidence”.  Now… I don’t know how I feel about everything.  I know I so desperately want to have the anti-depressants that I am supposed to be going to the dr for on Wednesday.  I feel like I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.  Nothing seems to look the same every time I think about it.

Yesterday morning I got up at about 5:30 and went down the hall to see where Frank was.  He was in the office on the computer.  Hit a key or two and clicked something and got up when he saw me.  After he left for work I went in later in the day and brought up the My Space page that child b. has saved in the bookmark bar up at the top of the screen.  I clicked “find people” and when it came up it had boxes checked that were for looking for “women” age “18 to 35″.  So I fooled around on My Space for a while to see if what the last thing that was selected on there was what it came back up to when exed out and brought back up.  It is.

After fooling with this for a bit I finally realized that I could just look at the “history” on the computer.  He had cleared it out.  Completely covered his tracks.  I’ve never looked at the history before.  I wonder how long he’s been doing…. whatever he’s been doing, and clearing the history, so I wouldn’t see?

He texted me asking what I was doing and I wrote back telling him I was cruising around on the pooter.

He then wanted to know what I was looking at and I said My Space.

He IMMEDIATELY wrote back and asked “Who you looking for? lol”

I said, “women aged 18 to 35″.

He texted me back “I’m lost” and immediately called me.  He adamantly denied knowing anything about what was on there and had no idea anything about My Space.   Denied everything.  I didn’t say anything about the history being deleted at this point.  Actually, I didn’t realize it had been, yet.  I hung up with him and fooled around with the My Space website for a while and got no where except to realize that when you exit out of the site and come back it is back where you left it as far as what was checked off.

I then thought to look at the “history” tab and he had cleared it when he got off the computer that morning.  I was very stung.  I felt like the biggest fool ever.  He’s moved his flirtatious affairs from his cell phone to these girls My Space pages.  He always has them “with” him.  The ever present, yet very hidden cell phone and now, the computer.  I wonder so much how long the inappropriate behavior has been going on with the computer.

After texting me many, many times all day and calling me at least three or four, he came home and went in where I was sitting behind the desk and sat down and said we need to talk.  At first he adamantly denied being on My Space or clearing the history.  He said the computer was set to clear history when someone has gone into a private file.  I asked WHAT private file and he said his store mail.  I pointed out that he doesn’t use Firefox for store mail and he was getting desperate at this point and mumbled something about he thought he did…  I went into his store mail and out, using explorer cause Firefox isn’t set up to do it anyway, and the history was unchanged.  I started pointing these things to him and he started getting mad about… the fact that he was getting caught doing all these bad things.  However to hear him tell it he was mad because I was treating him like a little kid “checking up on” him constantly and not trusting him.  I agreed that, no, I don’t trust him and I wish I did again.  But those days are over and I’m not sure they are ever coming back.  They can’t because he is much happier behaving this way with these girls than just having me.

Anyway, he finally admitted that he had been on My Space looking at Pete’s page.  When I asked him why he didn’t want me to see that he had been on Pete’s page he admitted that he had been on Trish’s and a few of the other girl’s pages and the talk apparently wasn’t innocent.

So now he is swearing off the computers and “is working on getting things right at work” with his little fan club. No.  This does not consist of telling the “girls at work” to remember he’s a married man and he’s uncomfortable with the conversation they have with him.  Or that they shouldn’t text him unless it’s work related.  He’s “working on it”.  That’s what I get from him.  He guards his phone with his life and “works on it”.

He told me one time that he told Trish not to text him anymore, just call if there was a problem he needed to know about.  He acted mad at me that he had done this and said, “There!  I lost a friend.”.  I just pointed out that if she was only his friend because of the texting, she wasn’t his friend.  He admitted later that she was fine and had no problems with him.

I don’t think my self esteem has ever been lower.  I’m losing weight and it’s coming off pretty fast.  My stomach is in knots everyday and I can’t seem to eat.  So I’m guessing it won’t be long until I am at a good weight.  But, I’ll still be old and ugly.  I don’t know what to do.

Our lives have been falling apart for a few months now.  It all started with me picking up his cell phone off the side table in the living room when it rang or buzzed and giving it a cursory glance as I was walking over to hand it to him.  He snatched it like it might have been about to bite me.  I then noticed that from that point on the phone never was laid on the table again.  It had been there for years.  Now it is in his pocket or if he’s just sitting in the chair in the LR and not wearing pockets, (boxers), he tucks it under the waistband or sticks in just slightly under his leg in the chair.

I have picked it up a number of times and seen texts from Jennifer or Trish or Alecia among others.  Sometimes I would have a minute to look if he had forgotten to take it to the bathroom with him or if he was in the shower and hadn’t hidden it well before he got in.  (This was before he started deleting the chats before he got home), the texts were all very sweet, lovey-dovey stuff saying “I’m going to bed now, sweet dreams, good night.”  “Or I wish you were here.  I miss you.”  Things like that and just plain old, “What are you doing?”

Jennifer tends to want him to come out and drink with her and her friends.  I don’t know if he ever has or not.  I can’t imagine when he could have had time to do that.  But then again, a friend told me the other day that Chrissy had told her that she had seen him at some apartments over by the grocery store and did we know some people over there.  My friend  just told her that it was someone who worked at the store and she felt sure thatFrank was delivering furniture to her apartment for her.

We agreed to donate a couch that has been sitting in our garage for a few years to Jennifer and then the other day Frank and I were driving through our neighborhood to go somewhere and someone had set out two cheap particleboard book shelves on the curb for the trash.  He immediately turned the car around and went back and we got out and got them for Jennifer.  The next day he took them over to her apartment for her.  I am guessing this is when Chrissy saw him?  However, he was highly agitated and border line angry when I laughingly told him that he had been spotted and I have “eyes and spies” everywhere.  Believe me, he did not laugh.  He just kept asking if Chrissy lived there.  Several times.  I told him over and over I didn’t know.  But he was not buying it.  Why, I don’t’ know.  How would I know if Chrissy lives there or not and if I did why would I keep it a secret from him?

I cannot believe this is my life.  I never in a hundred years thought I’d be “here” for my 20th wedding anniversary.  I feel trapped in a life/marriage that’s not even mine and I don’t want at all.  I would just give any amount of money to be able to pick up and leave.  All by myself.  No one else to worry about.  It has been years since I was really, really alone.  I guess the last time someone dropped me off at the mall to shop while they went somewhere else was probably at least 6 or 7 years ago.  But I had to meet them at a certain spot at a certain time and I guess it just wasn’t QUITE the same as being there BY MYSELF.  It was fun and different, tho, I really enjoyed it.

Sometimes I wonder what Frank would want to do if he could just go where ever he wanted after work and not feel like he “had to” go home.  I guess he’d still want to because he is so exhausted when he gets here.  God knows the job gets the best of him while he’s there… and I get the rest.

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