Look up freeloader in the dictionary. His picture is there.
Posted by: mahholyhell in UncategorizedFourteen months ago, my 26-year-old stepson moved into my basement. I call him The Diva.
He doesn’t pay rent.
He doesn’t contribute to the food bill.
He doesn’t lift a finger to do anything around the house.
He does use our washing machine and dryer for his laundry.
He does eat our food, watch our television, sunbathe in our backyard, use our telephone and drink our beer.
He does have an entire shelf in the bathroom filled with organic shower products.
Yes, he’s allowed to get away with this because of his Dad’s guilt. My husband moved out of their house in 1990. And even though there were years of attempts to reconnect, The Diva wanted no part of it.
Then something happened. I think it was a breakup with his boyfriend (yes, The Diva is gay), but he’s never actually said why he decided that it was the time to move two states away from where he grew up to live with people he wrote out of his life years before. The excuse he used when he approached us about moving in was the opportunity to attend graduate school at the University in our city. Out of state tuition and room & board were WAY beyond The Diva’s budget, so we offered rent-free living and the chance to establish residency. We only asked for two things. (Which, I now know, was a HUGE fucking mistake. There should have been a list of rules 10,000 lines long.)
- Pay $12.44 per month for his line on our cell phone family plan. (Even though he uses more than 2/3 of our allowed minutes)
- Check and refill the water softening salts so that our well water wouldn’t stain everything mineral orange. (The only reason he was asked to do this is because his furniture blocks access to the machine and he won’t move the desk. Of course, he never actually refills it unless his Dad reminds him.)
It’s not been easy. In fact, the only thing that has saved my sanity is that I accepted a consulting job in a city 300 miles away and I’m gone 4 days every week. I leave Monday morning and get back Thursday evening. The Diva has a new boyfriend and generally leaves Thursday evening and comes back Sunday night (to wash his clothes and see what we’ve stocked in the refrigerator that he can pike).
Since I don’t have to see him very often (the occasional ‘duty visit’ if his sister comes over, or if I travel less one week), I can usually manage “out of sight, out of mind”. And y’know, that’s probably the best thing all around.
Yesterday, however, I was ready to shove my stiletto up his Diva ass.
After finally getting out of bed about 1 p.m., The Diva graced us with his presence. It was Monday. This week, I wasn’t traveling until Tuesday morning since my son (The Diva’s half-brother) had graduated from High School on Sunday evening. We had a houseful of visitors before and after the ceremony. (Oh, and by the way, The Diva couldn’t be bothered to attend this family event.)
The car my husband and I share (why have two cars when one of us isn’t home most of the week?) was smashed up in a parking lot (fucking hit and run drivers) and is in the collision shop.
My husband asked The Diva if he could use The Diva’s car to drive me to the airport this morning.
The Diva, selfish prick that he is, said, “Oh, I was going to stay at my boyfriends tonight.”
My husband didn’t bother reminding The Diva that when HIS car was not running and he needed to get to work, he borrowed MY car to get there. (And drove 50 miles and didn’t offer to reimburse us for gas OR pay us part of the money he got for mileage.)
There must have been a look, though, because then The Diva changed his tune.
“Oh, all right. I’ll come home tonight.”
Of course, it was obvious that it was killing him. He was going to have to do something for someone other than himself. The tone in his voice and his eye-rolling pretty much said it all.
When I heard about the exchange, I told my husband, “No. Tell him I don’t want to use his fucking car. And the next time he needs any of us to do anything for him, I’m going to refuse. I’ll hire a fucking car service at $85 each way.”
(By the way, none of my expenses are reimbursed by the company – it’s all out of pocket.)
My husband told him that he didn’t need to come home that night. That I would take care of getting myself to the airport.
The Diva practically danced out of the house. After thanking his father. And giving him a hug.
Seriously? You’re thanking and hugging someone who just told you that you didn’t have to do something nice and helpful for the woman who lets you live in her house rent-free?
I am so pissed off about this whole thing I can hardly see straight. I’ve never met ANYONE so self-absorbed in my entire life. Someone so oblivious to the fact that he is, essentially, living FREE under my roof ONLY because I’m a nice person. I want to send him the bill for my car service and tell him that he could have saved himself a whole shitload of money if he’d just had the decency to do without his boytoy for one night.
I want to tell him that he doesn’t deserve his boyfriend (who is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met), NOR does he deserve the family that he wants nothing to do with.
I want to tell him that he can forget about using our address to get in-state tuition.
I want to tell him that if he puts anything in his mouth from my refrigerator or pantry, he better have a receipt to prove that he purchased it.
I want to tell him that it now costs fifty-cents for a load of wash and $1 for 30 minutes of drying time.
I want to tell him that he can expect to pay for each shower he takes – I’ll calculate the electricity and water used and send him a bill.
I want to tell him that he is more immature than most 7 year olds I know and more selfish than a 15 year old girl.
I want to tell him that his rent is now $400 per month because that’s what it takes to rent a room with kitchen privileges and a shared bathroom in this University town.
I want to tell him to move his mother-fucking ass out of my basement and get his car out of MY driveway.
But I won’t. Because his dad doesn’t deserve that.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Myyyyyy goodness. How long will he be staying with you? Is the end in sight?
[rq=98,0,blog][/rq]RIP Frankie
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I guess thank the powers that be that you are away so much. How long can this continue before the killing commences?
[rq=99,0,blog][/rq]Yet Another Post Featuring Email From Krissa
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Nan – There’s currently no end in sight. Sigh.
psychicgeek – I give it until Wednesday next week. I’m staying home all week.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 6:46 pm
I lived with family when I moved back home a few years ago. It sucked. I was 27 and living with family and having to answer for myself after living alone, 3000 miles away from home, for 10 years.
But I sucked it up. Because without them, I would have had no place to stay. I had no job, I had no money. I was thankful for them giving me a roof over my head. And I signed my unemployment check over to them every other week.
THAT is how normal people act in this situation. UGH! I’m so mad for you! What a douchebag!
(And I’m SEETHING that he didn’t come to the graduation. SEETHING!)
[rq=101,0,blog][/rq]The Blahs
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:54 pm
How would any of that adversely affect Mr., um, his dad? Even he, deluded with guilt like he is, HAS to be getting tired of being taken advantage of. He should at least know how it’s eating you up inside. Because that resentment? It’s going to come out one way or another. And when it does, if he’s anything like my husband, he’ll be standing there looking stupid going “I had no idea you felt that way”. And then you’ll have to kill him dead. And blog from prison, where I hear the internect connection is really bad.
[rq=102,0,blog][/rq]Dear innernetz, please excuse my absence due to…
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
First, I’m glad you’re giving yourself a safe place to vent. You clearly deserve somewhere to say what you can’t to your husband… which I respect. I was married at 24, supporting myself and although there were the occasional calls to my parents for some help, your generosity is being abused. At some point, he will need to get a big kick in the ass, because you don’t want him there for another two years. Have either of you ever asked what his long term plans are (insert laugh here?) I’d start injecting comments such as “in the future, when you’re not here…….” and let THAT sink in. Pfffft and xoxoxo to you.
[rq=104,0,blog][/rq]Culinary Throwdown – Part II
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Girlfriend, it’s time for a come-to-Jesus talk — with your husband.
I know he is an incredibly nice guy, but he needs to man up. He needs to teach his son to be a man. This means either the son accepts some responsibility or his pampered tush is outta your house.
I remember the full story, so I understand your husband’s guilt. But no husband allows his wife to deal with this crap. I know he loves you, but he needs to put your needs above the Diva’s.
And thus endeth the sermon.
[rq=105,0,blog][/rq]I want my MTV: Borderline
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
You aren’t doing The Diva any favors by allowing such poor behavior. When he’s done with you, you’ll be like yesterday’s garbage and you’ll be tossed to the street.
He is TWENTY-SIX. In most cultures that’s “grown up” and one would expect him to act as such.
I’d ask him, nicely of course, to move out and find a place of his own. It’s been long enough. At the very least, he needs to move in with his boyfriend–who might actually have some impact on teaching him some manners and respect.
I expect more from my 5 year-old!
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June 3rd, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Oh my God. What an inconsiderate little peckerhead. What does your husband say about any of this? Until someobody calls this jerk at his bad manners, how are you going to stop from slicing and dicing him? Self centered little bastard.
[rq=106,0,blog][/rq]Gray? Gray? We don’t see no stinkin’ gray!
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Oh, I believe I have seen more than one Dr. Phil show dealing with you and The Diva, or, more specifically, Mr. Hot and you and The Diva. How long is this scheduled to continue? How long before you wig-out and lose your cool?
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June 4th, 2009 at 2:09 am
You guys are all great. I don’t know how long this will last. I know that his Dad is reaching the end of his own rope, and having me carp on about it will not help matters any. It feels good to know that I’m not the at-fault party in this, though, and for that – I thank you.
Stay tuned.
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June 4th, 2009 at 3:26 am
Wait a minute… is the Diva actually ATTENDING the University? Is he enrolled for the fall? Can he now move to a dorm or something???? And being 26…is this an advanced degree?
I really REALLY think it’s time for the Diva to grow up.
Okay. I’ll stop.
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June 4th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Jesus Christ. I don’t know how you manage to maintain your sanity. I’ve been dealing with the “step” issue for years (their mother passed away at age 31, so they’ve always lived with us) and, as nice as I try to be, they drive me INSANE. And I don’t feel like I can correct them the same way I correct my “own” kids – even though they need it more – because it looks like I’m being mean. Which I’m not. I actually love them very much, but they’re both very self-absorbed and have their father wrapped around their little fingers. I don’t dare say anything negative about them for fear of hurting my also-a-nice-guy husband.
So I guess the whole point of this too long diatribe is maybe we need to learn to treat them like we treat our “own”. If you would bitch at your son for something, there’s no reason you can’t bitch at The Diva for the beyond annoying shit he does, right? I mean, really – why let him be too comfortable? He’s twenty-fucking-six…and I’d get my own kids out of the house by then. Hopefully.
Hang in there.
[rq=115,0,blog][/rq]The main ingredient in Baked Armpit
June 4th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Greatings, airingdirtylaundry.comluv.com – da best. Keep it going!
Thanks
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June 5th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I can totally feel for you. My boyfriends 25 and 23 year old sons live with their father. I have 2 children from a previous marrriage who are 7 and 9. His adult sons buy no groceries ever contribute nothing to buying any groceries but yet eat everything under the sun. If they see it, its gone. My children have their own room for days when we come to saty. If I come with my kids to spend the night and I buy my children a box of cereal so they can hide it in their room so they can eat if they are hungry and the adult sons find out, there is an all out war to follow. THey scream to their father that it is not fair that they hide things, that they are selfish. How dare me buy food for my children? I am 35 years old and now I have to buy food for 2 freeloaders??? The worst part is that their father is a beautiful person who does not deserve how they treat him. They yell at him to wash their clothes and demmand that he either cook something or buy them dinner every day. Their mom is now remarried to her 4th husband and is enjoying her honeymoon life while I have to have her mooching sons stealing food from my little kids! I pray they win the lotto so they leave!!!
June 8th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
OnTheSameBoat: Oh mah holy hell. That’s horrid. I can’t imagine two of them…
Good luck to you.
[rq=203,0,blog][/rq]Mute Monday – Custom(s)
June 9th, 2009 at 12:20 am
I suspected all this rage and disdain and am happy to see you venting it. I would be just as pissed but doesn’t it kill you to see hubby being so manipulated and used by Diva? That is just not right! I wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue over that shit.
[rq=209,0,blog][/rq]Still pregnant and still preparing for baby Tater’s arrival
June 9th, 2009 at 11:05 am
loving your blog here.
i would have to kick the stepson to the curb, he can’t be allowed to stay and not contribute.
[rq=224,0,blog][/rq]Why Wait, Buy Now!
June 9th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I understand and respect your desire not to hurt your husband in order to get the respect you deserve from a punk. But I have one suggestion. Don’t stock the fridge anymore. Make sure it’s empty when you leave, and either let your husband do his own grocery shopping while you’re gone, or get one of those little fridges for the bedroom where he can keep cold cuts and milk. When you get back, bring just enough groceries to get you and hubby through the weekend, and no snacks or goodies that you won’t eat that night. Keep everything non-perishable (cereal, bread, canned food, etc.) under your bed. And don’t tell The Diva you’re doing it.
It won’t totally work, but I have learned by experience that one of the best ways to keep a leech out of your pantry is to eat super-healthy boring food at home, and save the indulgences for when you eat out.
[rq=235,0,blog][/rq]Frustration
July 20th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Jeez!
Tell him to get the hell out and see the world – he might learn some humility!
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